Grandpa Asics

College students are their own breed - truly, the antibiotic resistant strains of human being.

Walking through two feet of snow for an exam? Call that Monday.

Stretching five dollars across three dinners and two nights out? That would be Thursday.

Running in the same shoes for the past two years? So Saturday.

So Saturday, so shin splints, so not a fun run.

Yet, if Accounting 2258 has taught me anything about budgeting, those new pair of $120 Asics, that have become more than necessary, equate to twelve nice, $10 dinners.

So Saturday, so shin splints, so not a fun run.

At this point, I have accepted my worn feet huggers as the grandpa from the Disney movie “Up” - giving best efforts but their arthritis has begun to shoot up through my shins. You think they are as adorable as the day you bought them until they call you the wrong grandchild, or even the dog’s name. You think it is cute they fall asleep at dinner until you realize they are aging fast.

You think the shoes are fine, until you are three miles from home and can feel every crumpled natty light crunch beneath your sole.

Sidenote for the undaring -

Notorious tells of when one has entered frat boy territory include, but are not limited to: littered beer cans, political flags hanging from the windows, and inflated egos compensating the little feet issue.

Take special precaution when entering on Saturdays.

Recent claims have noted this day as “for the boys” a.k.a. so Saturday.

Ideal times to enter would be never, but as detours arise and the frat boys saddle up their adorable four-legged lures, the occasional jog through is unavoidable.

Women maintaining a special resilience to the tuboyculosis.

So not a fun run.

Grandpa Asics, always wanting to spoil the ole’ grand kiddo, has created the perfect, guilt-free excuse to skip the long cardio session.

“Lex, you would totally run 10 miles today if you would not limp tomorrow!”

“Do a HIIT workout instead - there are plenty of breaks to stretch your calves!”

But like the grandpa from “Up”, Grandpa Asics is from a different time. Grandpa Asics never had to outrun a mortgage-sized student loan or train for the Finals Triathlon.

Heard some cities are hosting their triathlons for two weeks now - what athletes!

Thankfully, as a brilliant 3.5 GPA college student, I have evolved into a thrifty, handy-woman, con-artist. Yep, all in one.

Screw buying the new shoes, I will buy the $20 foam roller set from Aldi’s and YouTube “stretches for shin splints”. Ha suckers - you are not getting my $120, call that a college remedy.

Why think long-term when the short-term is so fun!

Short-term solutions supply instant gratification and fuel that naughty habit of procrastination.

My bank account does not need to be burdened with such expenses - if I tell myself I am running on clouds, then I will feel as though I am actually running on clouds!

That’s how psychology works, right? I am a business major, I am taught only how to budget and not embarrass the company. For one thing, I am already unhireable just by admitting I have only a 3.5 GPA. If that is not bad enough, I called myself a “con-artist”.

But in all seriousness, if teenagers are invincible, why can’t a defeated college student be, too?

Why must Dr. Society, shovel “sleep-deprivation”, “student loans” and “part-time job” antibiotics down our throats? Do you realize you are creating a resilient generation?

I refuse to buy new running shoes!!!!!!!!! I am resilient!!!!!

My shins do not throb - they are on a cloud!

Long-term thinking is for the kids who grew up with their teacher’s ass on their lips - chumps.

Why think about trying to find a career in a field that isn’t hiring?

Why murk your waters with thoughts about crushing student loans?

Why bother with the future when you have a 99 cent, off-brand band-aid for the problem right now?

We are resilient!

Like charities enabling systematic oppression or duct tape on a burst pipe - this college remedy will not last long. Good thing graduation is a year and a half away - maybe then I can afford new Asics with my future waitressing job.